Such a great message at service this morning; a couple of themes or comments stood out that helped me pull together a few topics I’ve had drafted for a while, but just couldn’t get to gel. This first was helped along by the children’s service, and a question that was put to them, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Please feel free to comment below! I’d love to hear about challenges you may have had with trying something new, or returning to something once loved yet discarded.
Ever have one of those moments, periods, where you just don’t have a clue what you’re thinking? Trying to get the words out is a struggle…you don’t feel as if there is any good reason to be “conflicted”, yet that’s exactly what you are. I’m reaching a stage in my career where I am no longer certain it is 100% satisfying. Don’t get me wrong; I love working with my students at this school in particular. I can’t see myself teaching anywhere else, and I absolutely love teaching the subjects I do: the combination of science, math, design…it suits me completely to encourage the students to take risks, make mistakes, and grow their understanding. But does it “complete me” the way I believed it once did? I don’t think it does. There seems to be this nagging impression that I need to create and share that need to create, especially with my students. Why now? Why am I only just starting to feel drawn toward the more creative side of myself: to encourage, explore, and grow my own artistic side?
I think about what makes me smile at the moment (apart from seeing “Bruce” at the end of a long day). Friends, family…they all put a smile on my face. Even more than that though is the satisfaction I get from creating something, whether it is a blog post, short story, new candle scent, or a great dish for dinner. I find myself more frequently running my hands over old pieces of furniture, neglected and battered, and imagining how they could come to life; I used to do this all the time, reviving and repurposing cast-off pieces. In the past, whenever I’ve become frustrated with where I am in life or the moment, I have taken a step back and closed myself in with my thoughts or my creations. Now though, I have a very special someone in my life who is interested in this side of me, who listens to my quirky ramblings that I’m certain make no sense at all at times, and who pushes me to explore these urges. Not to say that my ex was not supportive, but it was different; we were in a different place in our lives.
I think I look at these interests in a different light now; no longer do I think in terms of an amusing little hobby, but rather as veering off the original career path. It’s scary if I’m honest, but I can’t shake the feeling that I am meant to do this. How does one go about this though? Let’s face it, I’m no spring chicken; I have grown up expenses and responsibilities…or do I? My children are, for all intents and purposes, grown. I have no real debts beyond rent, utilities, and medical expenses (ah, the joys of aging). But my savings were depleted in the divorce, and my retirement fund took a hit. How much does it take to make me feel secure financially? What do I need in order to not just survive, but thrive? I think this is where I’m stuck, where fear takes over and prevents me from just diving in, taking the massive risk, throwing caution to the wind, and doing it. For the majority of my adult life, I chased dollars and status; I equated a fat bank account with security and happiness. It wasn’t until I lost essentially everything that I questioned that thinking. What does it take now to make me happy, to feel content, to experience the satisfaction of a job well done, to smile?
I don’t have all the answers; I don’t know how this will ultimately end. But I do know that if I limit myself to only thinking about how to do this, I will remain right where I am, wishing I could do something differently. I’ll check back in about this as I make decisions (or have them made for me), but I promise to share the steps along the way. I know I’m not the only person who struggles with these emotions, or wishes his or her life was going a different direction. I may not be completely confident in what will happen or how this will turn out, but I am confident enough in myself to share these insecurities and my attempts to start a new life. If reading these struggles gets someone else thinking about their life and level of satisfaction with it, then I will be satisfied that the struggle to talk about it, was worth it.