I was a bit mortified when I (finally) logged in again, and realized it’s been an obnoxiously long while since I’ve posted. Lack of topics wasn’t the problem, nor was carving out time to write. Nope, just plain old laziness. You know the kind where you really would like to do something, but just can’t be bothered. There isn’t really anything keeping you from it: you just don’t do anything about it. No harm, no foul I guess in this case. I mean, it’s not as if I”m sitting idly by, watching with detached fascination as the pile of boys’ dirty dishes in the kitchen slowly evolves into a work of abstract art. That would truly have consequences, such as being forced to pick up take-away due to the lack of eating utensils that could pass a health inspection. Writing just didn’t make it onto my list of things I needed to accomplish in order to breathe or maintain an acceptable level of contentment. It didn’t even make the”shit to do when bored” list. It was as if I was stuck in downward facing dog, and just…couldn’t…move….
So what was the problem? Anyone who knows me well, knows that I love to write…lengthy, grin-worthy (if not actual giggle-inducing) notes on Facebook reflecting my oft-twisted observations on life in general, short notes of encouragement…my co-teachers can attest to my rather lengthy emails that at times admittedly turn into novellas, simply because I’m loathe to quit typing. I guess the silver lining in this is that I prefer writing to talking. At least you can successfully keep the printed word from chasing you around like a yappy Chihuahua jacked up on energy drinks.
Depression? Maybe a touch. Everyone gets a bit down, in a fog, bored, or any other condition you can think of as temporary. I mean, I knew this would pass, right? I was still functioning quite well at work, although everything seemed to be coming at me at 100 miles an hour both there and at home. Folks with spondylorapathies just don’t, as a general rule, move that quickly, but it seemed to have taken over my brain and not just my joints!
I became more and more convinced it had less to do with depression and more with interests and motivation. A massive chunk of my life and time over the past 6 years was devoted to
finishing surviving the Ph.D. At one point in time, I was spending 3-4 hours a day, forgoing sleep, dustless ceiling fans, and home-cooking in order to write. When a series of professional and personal cluster-farts (I refuse to type THAT word, although I’ve certainly been known to utter it) converged to move our family down different paths than planned, I became annoyed with the process. I was sick of it. I reassessed my personal priorities. I had more important items on my PDA than “revise paragraph 3, Chapter 2” for the 10th time…taking it back to the way I had it written in the first place. Nope, just didn’t see the point. My husband was laid off work. A car croaked. Money was so scarce dust was more likely to fall out of my wallet than change. Seriously, what right did I have to bitch about a disagreement in phrasing of a sentence, that in the grand scheme of the cosmos, didn’t mean shit, when I had students who were coming to school without basic needs such as safe shelter and full bellies? I just had to look at a keyboard to feel instant revulsion. I experienced a shake-up of everything I thought I knew I wanted in life and career, and there wasn’t any single “trigger” that started the process, but wow what a snowball effect!
But something happened over Christmas break…maybe it was the flu that laid us all low, resulting in a very unintentional laid-back break from everything, that let my brain just rest. Essentially, I performed a mental COMMAND-OPTION-ESCAPE (or “CRT-ALT-DEL” for those on a PC). So did it work? Are the systems back up and online? Stayed tuned and we’ll find out together.